Just say "I do" to your daughter's wedding.

Jacob's daughter is getting married on June 5th. A couple of weeks ago, I asked Jacob if he was excited/nervous about giving his daughter away. He responded that he would not be attending the wedding. After some gentle prodding and by expressing my initial (but uninformed) disapproval, I was able to procure a disjointed e-mail from him filled with excuses: some real concerns, some petty concerns, and some downright annoying "woe is me" rationalizations. I'll also make it clear that the "real concerns" I speak of are still not acceptable excuses for failing to attend your only daughter's wedding ceremony. For example, not wanting your 28 year old daughter to get married because she "should be focusing on her academic studies" is a real concern, but I would never consider it a deal-breaker. The petty excuses include, but are not limited to, "I didn't pay for the wedding, and that is embarrassing" and "There will be a few people at the ceremony I do not get along with." The "woe is me" rationalizations are the kind of excuses you might expect from a hermit widower who fails to realize that he is not the only one who lost someone special. His daughter lost her mother. These include cry-me-a-river items such as "I will feel awkward and uncomfortable because I'm technically still in mourning." As true as that may be, how does alienating your daughter on her wedding day solve the problem?

After the doleful excuses stopped coming, he closed the e-mail with "So, I put it you" which, whether he intended it this way or not, I took as an invitation to respond candidly. I spent very little time on the real concerns, and zeroed in on the grief barricade, because I feel that is the most powerful factor preventing him from wanting to attend the wedding. I acknowledged his grief delicately, sympathetically, but kindly reminded him that despite the almost definite possibility that the celebration would cause him some discomfort, he was acting selfishly.

I, rather bluntly (but with a sprinkle of poetic spice from the existential spice rack), asked him to call his daughter, apologize for being selfish, tell her that he wouldn't miss the wedding, and then buy them a hell of a wedding present (the fix for not contributing to the ceremony/reception). He thanked me for my honesty and time, and said that he would have to "chew on this". Well, it must have been a pretty tough piece of meat to chew, because he has all but ignored it, and pursued lighter topics.

I now have 7 days to convince him to attend his daughter's wedding, and so far, I am no match for Jacob's thoughtless obstinance. Woe. is. me.